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100 WC – Eloise

24 Oct

Have a read of Eloise’s 100 Word Challenge. What has she done well? What ideas could we magpie?

We rolled into the beautiful sunshine just as a man came round checking name tags.”What is that” he exclaimed.I looked down; I clutched a scruffy looking teddy with big bold wonky eyes. Everybody was staring at me; they knew it was rude not to answer an adult.They knew i would get caned.”My teddy”? I replied with a shaky voice unsure if he would cane me or not. Luckily the man had moved on to another row of grimy, miserable children. Just as the train stopped in the countryside I heard a voice behind me say “hello girl”.I turned around but they were gone.

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6 Comments

Posted by on October 24, 2012 in Information

 

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6 responses to “100 WC – Eloise

  1. Ms Wise

    October 24, 2012 at 7:59 pm

    Eloise,
    I like the powerful verbs you have chosen. I can feel your characters anxiety. I also really like how you have managed to include some suspense in 100w. This is a paragraph that cries out for the rest of a story. Well done.
    Ms Wise

     
  2. HorseLoverETP

    October 25, 2012 at 7:38 pm

    Thanks but Mr Cobb what is magpie ?And can you put this on the 100 blog?

     
    • mrcobbsclass

      October 25, 2012 at 8:07 pm

      Yeah ETP its on and you have a comment from Mrs Wise I think!

       
  3. HorseLoverETP

    October 25, 2012 at 7:39 pm

    Thanks i just looked that you put on 100 blog but i am now y6 not y5 !

     
    • mrcobbsclass

      October 25, 2012 at 8:08 pm

      Ooops. They’ll think you are extra specially good!

       
  4. Alice

    October 31, 2012 at 11:22 am

    Cool!

     

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